Ah. my deposit for the day.

it's amazing how difficult it is to be happy. i find that the closest i've been to happiness lately is either a sense of major self-abandonment when partying, or major relief after some trial has finished, or major accomplishment and self-flattery after seeing how some guys and recruiters pursue me. But all this does not equal happiness. It rests on such temporal, external things. One awkward day with the guy I currently like the most, and I feel down. Another trial or project due and I feel the stress levels rise. My friends leave and get busy with their lives and I smile at photos of wild times, but I feel quite silly to have been so happy (and perhaps slightly intoxicated) at the time. But all this is not true happiness.

I think that, true happiness is living in the truth, consistently and wholly. Really, when you find the truth, it transforms your whole being--sometimes, when I read certain books or websites, or watch certain movies, this happens. I'm reminded of all the deep things life is supposed to be about, and how beautiful it is--in contrast to the vaingloriousness and pettiness of my day-to-day. What's the first step to living meaningfully? I suppose it has to do with re-centering your life on what you value most. Many people, I think, sadly do not really think through what their values are... and so they live based on circumstances. For me, I think about it, but not deeply enough--not transformatively, and I forget the progress I make with it when life gets busy again... all right life is indeed busy so I will write more specifically about this some other time. Heh heh i just dodged my own question!