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Date created:2006-11-10 08:02:04
Replies:0
Description
Chivalry is dead.
It languished slowly on some maiden's doorstep long ago, when the last remaining gallant knight tripped on a loose stone and broke his nose, and his ensuing deformation making him wholly unmarriageable, and henceforth departed to join the ranks of celibate monks at the local Abbey.
There perished the hope of reviving, or at the least maintaining, any last shred of that rare combination of devoted gentility and ruthless courage that constitute chivalry--that oh-so-tender masculine attention which may have only existed in fantasy, yet is a lovely one all the same.
Why am I so bitter? I just read, cover-to-cover, "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Not too big of a book--about 160 pages, large font--and certainly easy to read. In fact, it's downright compelling. Not because I'm in an unsatisfying relationship right now in particular, but I was really suprised by how I've been getting screwed over by guys and wasting my time when completely unaware of it.
Basically, the premise of the book is, "Women, stop making excuses for men. You are better off without a man who may tell you he cares but shows you by his actions he doesn't (not calling, not asking you out, not wanting sex, breaking up with you), and the only reason he doesn't tell you the truth of his non-feelings for you is that he is coward and doesn't want you to yell at him or cry. Not to mention he's probably benefitting some by having you around."
And I find that whoa, it makes so much sense. "The Boys" are turning into "The Girls"!! And here's the woman's dilemma--where are the Good Men? The ones who are not taken yet, not here to play, and actually have the self-understanding to know and act on their feelings for a woman? But really.. have women gotten themselves in this situation by giving in too easily...by letting the guy know too early on that they like him, so he devalues her, or at the very least, before he even knows how he feels about her... and then he feels obligated to "date" her just because of her feelings. I don't know. But I wonder if it was somewhat easier on the women when they were expected to not favor any man until he made clear moves of commitment to woo her.
Yeah sometimes my guyfriends complain about girls asking guys out, they think it's ok and makes things much easier and whatnot.. they are complacent and lazy i suppose--i agree with the philosophy of this book, that the guy should do the asking. Really, who wants a guy who is too scared to ask a girl out--and if he likes her enough, he will do it. Just watching the guppies swim around my sister's fishtank when we were little--the males are the brightly-plumed ones, with iridescent fins and fanned tails, and always, always chasing the somewhat distended belly of an egg-heavy female--though the latter was plain--two or three would follow her around constantly. Watch any pair of pidgeons in the park and it is the same--the mating dance. Even with less fecund animals, I would venture to say that the male often initiates some sort of courtship. Penguins! Bees! Lions! Oh my! It's a function of who wants it more, really.
In the animal world though, the female is happy to just take care of her daily needs--namely, scrounging for food. If the male can bring her some food, that's even better. But here, in today's society... human females often try to go about their business during the day (and that business is much more complex than mere food-scrounging--it is thwarting the biological instincts for food and sleep in the effort to get in enough Work and Play, but also one must mind Skin and Makeup and Physique and Unwanted Stray Hairs, while also cultivating the Proper Domestic Skills and Social Skills so necessary for maintaining a good household later on, yet ostensibly work to prepare for a Life of Singledom because one must Never Be Thought of as Too Dependent....) but are secretly pining for a mate. They may stay up late reading self-help books in their frustrated efforts to discover why a sufficient one has not yet materialized. Why is this? Why am I bitter... I should really be more patient, and less insecure.
I wonder though, if this is a product of later marriages and the current social trajectory of middle-class raised children entering college really as a means to some graduate or professional school, with women at least overtly pursuing a career and a means of supporting themselves. In the social spheres I've been in, it's not socially acceptable to deem "housewife" your future career. Yet, aren't there women who feel their calling is to be mothers? But--ironically it is the early mothers who usually most need the extra income stream to support their family--only either the insanely rich or the very well-educated or crazily well-married can afford to be a homemaker mother nowadays. I say well-educated because presumably, a well-educated woman is much more likely to meet and marry a well-educated man who could earn enough to support the family by himself. But at that point, who would really want to just live on one income, when the opportunity cost is so great? That woman could be making another 150,000 a year, if they'd both graduated from med school... really that's a nice lump sum of income. But if her dream was just to have and raise a child and care for a family, and to find a man who could support that dream--why did she have to go to med school in the first place. That's 7 years... women have a limited biological clock.... no wonder some feel the anxiety. No wonder the career woman who coauthored the book, Liz tuccillo, has such sadness and realism in her words on "what's hard about this one" at the end of each chapter on unworthy guys--she has spent much of her youth in these fruitless, presumably anxiety-ridden relationships, trying to find Mr. Right or at least Mr. I-Can-Marry.... only to still be dating in the City at age 41. She is past the age of safe childbearing... not that we can assume that was something she wanted anyway... but it is no longer an option. And that is sad to me... because i would like to think, it's not her fault. It's not her fault the right guy never appeared... ((and I am not a fan of the single-mother IVF phenomenon and picking a sperm donor to make your own precious baby--i really believe children develop best in the context of a stable, loving relationship between their parents. This is not to say that they cannot develop well in other environments, but why start with a non-ideal single-parent environment from the start, deliberately, "just because you want a baby so badly?" ))-- Is it a product of society, of deep, intangible currents of history, of men's views on women, dating, and marriage changing, or women themselves changing, or maybe not change at all but the constant struggle between the sexes... birthrates are dangerously low in many developed countries, are they not? Is something going on here... that is frustrating our biological natures?
Feel free to comment.
Oh yeah.. i started with the chivalry comment above because an interesting thing happened to me today as i was exiting the metro--as i went through the rotating bar-doors, the man in front of me was going rather slowly, and people behind me were rushing out--the door swung quickly and just brushed his arm. A somewhat unkempt stress-lined face set off by half a head of dark hair whirled around and snarled, "Take it easy! You almost took my arm off!" Perhaps he was a bit suprised to find himself addressing a petite asian female about two heads shorter than him, carrying textbooks and staring calmly at someone who clearly needed a quick trip to Oz for a temper replacement. I told him in a clear voice. "I wasn't pushing it that hard. But I'm sorry you felt--scared." I said the last bit with just a um, hint of sarcasm. He cast a dark look at the ground ahead of him and walked on, at his slow, fuming pace.
Yeah so maybe chivalry isn't dead.. but I think the B*tch in me is waking up.
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