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Last modified:2007-04-28 05:50:25
Posted:2007-04-28 05:49:43
I guess the sad fact of it is that I let myself get kind of attached & now I need to detach & don't know how. I can kind of understand why the Buddhists have the opinion of attachment that they do. At first I thought it was kind of cold & selfish but really, attachments can (although they don't always) throw you off track...deter your focus.
There's been too much loss of people who mean anything to me over the last 6 months & while I am grateful that I did not have to experience the feeling of loneliness until I got to my 30s, this sucks ass. However, I did not experience loneliness until now because I didn't really let people in, let them know me until quite recently. I must now ask myself, is it worth it? Is opening up & getting a block of time with a person, learning whatever I need to learn from the interaction, getting what I can from the relationship, worth what I have to go thru when they move on? Is the knowledge acquired thru my interactions with these people something that I could probably learn on my own given time & enough objective observation of human behavior?
I ask myself why I got attached in the first place, what I got attached to & what this acquaintanceship represents to me. I feel absolutely silly that I am taking this so hard...that it's making my days seem so difficult (when combined with all of the rest of the crap going on in my life). I try to throw myself into work but I am distracted...always distracted.
Efforts to be honest with myself about what this really means to me...or has meant to me...are thwarted by something unknown & unnameable (as of yet). It cannot be fear, can it? I can't imagine feeling something & being afraid of that feeling. Or believing something & being afraid of that belief. I sit to write in my journal & nothing comes out...nothing honest & true, at least. Only fluff. What am I not admitting to?
I left work early today. The voices of the people around me seemed unbearably loud, I was really screwing up cases, I could not focus, I felt exhausted. I came home & hopped into bed. I slept.
My hair is driving me crazy & I am quite tempted to shave it completely off but I have so far restrained myself because I have no idea how I would look as a nearly bald chick. I don't know what to do with it anymore. It's an absolute mess...chaotic...an extension of my mind?
I need to finish Book of Five Rings. It's beginning to feel like a commitment. I'm ready to be done with it. It's only 160 pages, for crying out loud.
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