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Last modified:2007-04-16 02:59:08
Posted:2007-04-16 02:59:08
Amazing
the built in mechanisms human beings have that make them want to
propagate the species...be it needing to fulfill a desire to take care
of someone, be it a need to have sex, be it the desire to see a part of
yourself combined with a part of your partner in another being. My baby
yearnings are near unbearable but I am very aware of the fact that my
emotions in this area of my life are attempting to overshadow my sense
of the rational & what is right & sensible. I cannot divorce
myself from my feelings but I will not let emotions win. It's making me
tired. My co-worker brought her son in yesterday & he felt good
(& heavy *grin*) in my arms. I walked this co-worker to another
unit so I could hold the baby a little longer & this woman in the
other unit looked at me & said, "______ holding a baby?" Kind of
rolling my eyes, I told her "I love babies." She said, "I never would
have guessed," which made me wonder for a split second what her
perception of me is until I remembered who I was talking to &
realized that I didn't care what her perception of me is. "You'd be
surprised. Only thing is, they don't stay babies. They turn into me
& you." I looked into that baby's beautiful eyes, looked at that
drooly smile, felt my eyes start to well with tears & promptly
returned him to his mother.
This is not me but it is. What do I do with the love?
I called my mom & started to cry. I've been looking at video
footage of my niece that I took last weekend. Yes, I am doing this to
myself. We started talking about other things which is perhaps, why I
called her in the first place...for the distraction.
I'm trying not to artificially induce my sleep & it's going terribly.
I need to find something to do with my Friday nights.
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