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elistia's profile
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Last modified:2007-04-16 02:53:46
Posted:2007-04-16 02:53:46
When
I was on one of many "off again" periods with B, my mama sent me a card
that had that saying by some kid...I think her name was Sarah Kane. The
saying goes, "no boy is worth crying for & the one who is won't
make you cry." I did shed some tears over the tumultuous relationship I
had with him over the __ year period that we were involved but I think
that a lot of that had to do with the fact that sex was involved. I
seriously think that nookie jacked up my sense of reason something
fierce which is why I liked sex so much: it wasn't something I could
really intellectualize anymore once I'd gotten comfortable & was
doing it with the same person on a regular basis over a period of time.
It was something that seemed to always catch me unawares...even when I
was initiating it because doing it was so opposite of what I believed
about myself: that I was incapable of connecting with anyone like that
& blah blah blah. So I was operating on a whole different level
with him...unfamiliar territory. The guys before him had been these
fleeting encounters that I can't even adequately describe if I tried.
Kind of a blur. Insignificant. There was very little emotion behind it
outside of a sort of desperation...for what, I have no idea. Simply
put, it was sex for sex's sake.
The
last male I cried over, I never had sex with. So I can't say that I
would never cry over a guy that I wasn't intimate with. We swapped
spit, shared sleep. But never did the deed. Be warned though. Shared
sleep is a dangerous sport--even more dangerous than sex. Don't believe
me? To quote from Milan Kundera's Unbearable Lightness of Being (& I believe there is much merit to this quote): Making
love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions,
not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in
the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number
of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one
woman). I know that there
are men that I've not had sex with that I wanted to wake up next to in
the morning. And then there have been men that I wanted to kick out of
the bed as soon as humanly possible. Not that I've slept with a lot of
them. Anyhooooooooooo, nine years of a deep attachment to Mr Platonic
& something got broken beyond repair. He perhaps grew bored (which
he swore always happened to him first--people got bored with him or
annoyed with him first) or insecure, feeling that he was no longer the
alpha male in my life. I don't know what the **** his problem became
but he hurt me terribly...in a way I didn't think I was capable of
feeling hurt. I know that my emotions run pretty deep but I also know
that I have fairly thick walls that are difficult to penetrate. I had
no idea the power he could have over my state of being. The control. I
don't know how/when we got to that point. It baffles my mind. And I
know I said I wasn't going to blog about him anymore but I just got an
email from him after several weeks of nothing & I think I
understand now why he made himself unavailable or preoccupied or
distracted or whatever ****in euphemism he'd want to use. And it hurt
me all over again. And I don't know why it's hurting & I don't know
how to make it stop. I'm trying to ride the pain & not fight it in
hopes that it will not stick around too long but sometimes I feel like
I can't breathe, it hurts so bad. All I really wanted was a solid
friendship.
I wish he hadn't written.
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