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Last modified:2007-04-16 02:51:39
Posted:2007-04-16 02:50:10
Last night, I was worked up, angry, exhausted. Something compelled me to take out my Homedic white noise machine that also has ocean, rainforest sounds, etc. I was a little irritated because it had stopped raining outside. I was on my 2nd or 3rd glass of wine. I lit a stick of incense & selected the ocean sound. I got into bed, head to pillow, remember saying aloud "I'm just so exhausted." Next thing I know, my alarm goes off & it's time to get up. I slept hard & remembered snippets of my dreams when I woke up.
I got home this evening, ate some curry & rice, watched a movie, exercised, cleaned my kitchen. Came time to hop into bed so I did...Hagakure waiting for me, a good bedfellow like many of the books that came before. Started to read. Started to mellow. And the phone rings. I pick it up. Conversation got me worked up again, excited. I'm out of wine. I'm desperate for sleep like last night's sleep. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning it felt so good. I wonder if it could be a matter of ceremony. I lit a stick of incense & turned on ocean even though it's raining out & I can hear the rain. I'm afraid if I start reading, I will start thinking too much. But I'm not ready to put head to pillow just yet. So I thought I would blog about nothing.
I found myself talking too much about the situation with The Idiot today with people at work. Bad form. Need to keep the personal life personal. I'm breaking my own rule. There is a better way to deal with the anger. I don't feel hurt anymore. Heart hardened back up. I'm just angry. But I am optimistic that the anger will turn to apathy & I won't care anymore. Once I get there, no matter what happens, my back will be turned for good. And nothing will make me turn around again.
I have a feeling that this is the year that I'm going to be tested the most. This is the year that I'm going to find out what kind of adult I really am. It sucks because I realized that a few people have been testing me & the minute I realized that that was what they were doing, it pissed me off. It's a manipulation...testing someone. If a person cares enough to want to know where someone stands, that person should trust enough to ask the person directly & be confident that they will get an honest answer. But I don't suppose that most people operate that way. Maybe it is a lot to expect.
Being sexist against my own gender here: I find that women tend to "test" a little more frequently than men. But women don't just test men...they test other women too. It's crap. They say things, drop little hints, speak all around what they really want to say to the other woman...hoping that the other woman's intuition will kick in & the conclusion can be drawn without the admission being made. I had that happen to me recently & it incensed me to no end. I drew my conclusion & made it plain & was attacked for coming out & stating what I knew to be true. So in a sense, I gave her what she wanted. But I'm simply too old to be playing games. I think I came out of the womb being too old to play games. I have no interest in them. I was never given a rule book & even if I had been given one, I wouldn't have made time to read it.
If my mind would just calm down a little...
Don't forget your time study. Don't forget your time study. Don't forget your time study. You shouldn't have brought it home anyway.
Read. Sleep. Dream.
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