I woke up this morning in a lot of physical pain...neck, shoulders, between the shoulder blades. It was 5:30 & I wasn't ready to get up but I could hardly move so my quest became to move. I hopped in the shower...adjusted the shower head to the hardest spray it could manage. It felt nice.

I popped some acetaminophen & got back into bed to read. Didn't feel like reading so I started a movie. Then decided I wanted coffee & a grilled cheese sandwich. Think I'm starting a grilled cheese sandwich phase. Settled back into bed with my coffee & grilled cheese sandwich. Restarted the movie. Finished the coffee & sandwich. And I started to bawl. So I called my friend. I called my friend & told her that I missed him & that I was lonely. The admission startled me...made me cry harder. I think I've only ever felt lonely one other time in my life & it was so brief, I hardly remember it. But this feels like it's killing some part of me. I didn't go thru this much turmoil when I broke up with B. I've lost a friend who's undependable & crazy as hell & I can't rebound from it. It makes no sense.

I apologized profusely to my friend for calling her, bawling hysterically. She told me that it's okay to cry. I told her that it's not. Then I revised my statement. It's okay to cry...in private. I told her I didn't know why I was hanging on so tight to this, that I usually don't have much trouble letting people go because they leave all the time.

I can't replace him. I've never been the type to believe that you can replace a person in your life. And I suppose I should be grateful that I've gone 33 years without ever really feeling lonely. This has been going on for a few months though. I think that in part, that is what I've been running from...what I've been using work to distract me from feeling. I've admitted it so now do I get to start healing so I can move on?