Irritable. Can't sleep. The rain starts. The rain stops. If it could continue for a good 20 minutes, I'd probably fall asleep. But I don't think that's going to happen.

I think I'm going to start hanging out in the airport. Parking is reasonable & I can get the time table for the arrivals. I like to watch people greet each other in airports...decide who's going to be having sex that night, who's just going to go home & pass out because they got drunk on the flight home, observe people anxiously watching the conveyor belt for their luggage.

I found something belonging to my ex. I'm going to mail it to him. I don't want to throw it out because he had it for a long time but I don't want to keep it here either. No note. No matter what, I will not write to him. Just his property in an envelope. Maybe no return address either. They can throw it in dead mail if they want. But I will have attempted to get it back to him.

GAWD his naked body was beautiful. I should have photographed him. His wasn't a perfect body--he was a bit too skinny--but it was beautiful. The freckles on his back. I loved the freckles on his back. I could draw a map on his back, connecting the freckles. And the curve of his butt. Solid legs & biceps. And just a hint of a belly...38 year old belly that wasn't going anywhere no matter what he did.

This is what's bothering me. I don't recall how long it's been since I saw him last. I should. I should remember how long ago I was stupid enough to let him take a huge part of me with him when we decided to part ways. No, I wasn't stupid. I wanted to be in love. Like in the books. Or like my friends. I wanted to stop isolating. I wanted to try being a part of a we. Trying to be normal. Maybe. Connected to someone in a meaningful, complete way. I wanted to feel passionately about someone. It simply might not be in me, that stuff. Whatever. I loved him. But I was not passionate about him. Perhaps we were a mere convenience for one another...two social misfits fitting together for a few years?

I wish I hadn't found his crap here. As if I haven't been having enough trouble sleeping.

I worked today. And it felt good. I didn't want to leave the office. I was talking to someone today and in considering how consumed in work I have been lately, I realized that I need a distraction. Or, I would like one. Maybe that's what I miss most about the Idiot. He was good for distracting me. I don't think the friendship is completely tanked. He's starting to call again. Still not addressing the crap that went down but I can't be cold & cut him off completely just because I chose to be needy once & it didn't work out the way I would have liked. I know better. Don't ever need anyone. Recognize how their existence in your life enhances it but don't need anyone, ever. It all goes wrong.

I think I ought to take a break from all of this for a while.

The scars are healing but they itch like hell.