Dear Body,
When
I sense something is wrong with my car, I immediately take it somewhere
to be looked at. If I hear a funny noise or I'm having to press the
brake too hard or the alignment doesn't seem quite right, I get it
checked out. I'm always listening for signs. I should pay you the same
act of decency.
I
am sorry. Although I knew I wasn't taking care of myself, although I
admitted it to several people, I did nothing to change my behavior.
When you wanted salad, I gave you slim fast. When you wanted a full
course meal, I gave you nothing. When you needed hugs, I pushed people
away. I'd work you out hard for a few days & then not work you out
at all for a several days. I ignored your warnings. You took me out of
commission during a 3 day weekend when I'd made plans to do other
things & I was resentful of that. I just bided my time before I
could go back to work rather than using the time to listen to you &
get myself back on track. You let me know I was getting the crud &
I chose to disregard that. You willed me to miss work, even messed with
my ability to think clearly when I went in anyway...but that wasn't
enough. I get it now. You hit me where it hurt the most...where it
would get my attention...my checkbook.
The
mind over matter mantra no longer worked. I utilized one of my health
insurance benefits since I barely use them but pay the premiums anyway.
They told me to go to urgent care for my neck & shoulders to make
sure I hadn't seriously injured it somehow since it has been inhibiting
my ability to move. When the Medcall RN made her recommendations &
asked me what I was going to do, I told her that I was trying to avoid
a doctor visit & that I really didn't know what I was going to do.
I hung up the phone & the pulsating pain became more acute. And so
I went.
The
current pain is stress/anxiety related, the doctor said. He gave me
prescriptions that I am to take for the next 2 days to get me to relax
(involuntarily). His instructions were to lay low for those 2 days
& then go have some fun...go dancing or something & maintain
range of motion. He believes things will feel better in a few days.
I
knew I was doing this to myself & yet, I did nothing to stop it. I
am so sorry. I completely disrespected you. If I haven't got my body,
my ability to move about, I really don't have much of anything. And so,
I will be better.
I
am going to take these pills but I thought it important that I
apologize beforehand for needing it to come to this for me to pay
serious attention.
I can always replace a car. But one life, one body. Lesson learned.
Respectfully,
DT
P.S.
The nurse went to take my blood pressure & she saw the scars &
I told her that I was a cutter & she said she could see that &
told me I shouldn't & I told her that I was a lot better...that I'd
just had a relapse & that was true. It was just a relapse. I'm
sorry for that too.
