She told me if I miss ____________, to just call. There's nothing wrong with being honest. So I consider. Am I just being stubborn? Should I just forgive & forget & move on? And then I consider again. Do I want to go thru what I'm going thru now again? Because it will happen again, guaranteed. _________'s loyalty only extends to people who treat ___________ like crap, who use __________, to people who will treat ________ coldly but remain in contact just so they can dish out more nastiness. At least that was the impression I'd been given over the years. ________ always went back for more. And I sit here & think, __________ bends over & takes it from these other people but does nothing to rectify the situation between us. I've been nothing but loyal & dependable. I've been my own brand of crazy but I'm my own brand of crazy with anyone who is close to me. And ___________'s had years to realize that it was a craziness too big. It's not too big though. It comes with a lot of good. It comes with huge love, loyalty, dependability. It's more than most people give to each other. I know this.

Then I consider. Did I believe in something that wasn't there? I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I can hold on to what I thought was a true connection but circumstances being what they are, I have to question whether the connection was really there or if I just saw what I wanted to see. Everybody does that in relationships, intimate or platonic, at some point...see what they want to see. And sometimes that's okay...it keeps things going & the other person doesn't have to be any the wiser. I think about everything I've written & said to __________ in the past about how I feel. I start to think about the responses, or lack thereof. The hurt turns to anger. I'm going thru this process over & over & over again & I want it to stop so I find myself a different kind of pain so I don't have to think about it for a while.

i don't want to go thru this again. I don't want to believe in a lie. I don't want to force anyone to be friends with me who doesn't want to...or only wants to always on their own terms. I have to say goodbye...I have to say goodbye today & ride out the pain until it dies because it will die eventually. Eventually I will forget.

Toughen up, harden, let go, say goodbye & don't look back. That's the final decision. No more processing. No more blogging about this bulls**t.