Right before I left work today, a fella came up & asked me, "When are you going to request a lateral transfer? We've got an opening in our unit." That seed is planted & it attempts to proliferate despite the presence of rooted weeds of loyalty to my current unit. Weeds. More like fungi. As this is something that is becoming a recurring dilemma lately, I should take a careful look at what keeps me in the unit that I am in...an utterly chaotic unit compared to the other 2 units that do roughly the same things that the unit I'm in does but in my opinion, with far less demand. If I chose to, I could be in a unit & working less than I'm working now or I could decide I want to promote & do what I need to do to make that happen...talk the talk...make more money & have time to email my friends all damn day.

The loyalty I feel toward the unit I'm in is completely unwarranted but I can't seem to detach from it. It does not need me. EVERYONE in that agency is dispensible. I know that. It's merely convenient that I'm around. I look at all the work there needing to be done & I want to help. Actually, I OCD & want it done & am eager to roll up my sleeves. I want the impossible. I want order, completion, structure. A nice, neat, tight case is a turn on. Although I know it is impossible to get what I want, I persevere. Masochism, maybe. F'in Sisyphus.

I was told on good authority that a Big Head's perception of me is that I don't want to work with people. The BH barely says two words to me & that's his opinion. For one, I'm pretty damn good with the clients when I want to be & enjoy working with them. I'm sure he has never observed that. Whatever. I think what he "observes" is the fact that I have a high level of expectation from my co-workers that is met 10% of the time. 10% ain't good enough & I'm F'in frustrated & it's written all over my angry, irritated face. What BH observes is disappointment because I know that I'm surrounded by a decent grade of brain power but it is suffocated by apathy, negativity & an administration that doesn't care. No matter what kind of energy I would attempt to bring to the agency, eventually I'd grow tired (much as I am now) & nothing would change because the kinds of changes I would like to see happen are not supported by the people who can make sure everyone abides by those changes or get the hell out. So I'm a little perturbed by BH's assumptions. If someone expects nothing, that's exactly what someone is going to get from people. I expect too much & so I get a little bit. That's better than nothing but better than nothing leaves room for improvement & improvement is so possible, I can taste it. At minimum, I expect that if people come in to work, regardless of what goes on in their personal lives, they are capable of being productive. And if they aren't, well that's what sick leave & vacation are for. Or other jobs. One of my favorite phrases is "Handle Your Business." Shit happens but the world keeps moving so move with it or get squashed. I learned that lesson when I was six years old. Gotta keep going. I'm not going to sit with co-workers, kiss the right asses, placate anyone, hold anyone's hand, wipe away anyone's tears & listen to neverending complaints about how much work there is. The workload is job security, for crying out loud. It's beyond evident that it's unreasonable to expect that ALL the work will be done. I'm not that dim. But a fair amount of it can be done. I've done it. And my goal in being there, beyond being nice to my co-workers, is getting a fair amount of work done in the 8 hours that I choose to be there. There are people in the public in need of services because the government isn't set up to sufficiently take care of its citizens. And maybe some of the people coming into the office aren't really in need but it's not my place to judge. My job is to evaluate whether they meet the criteria to get what they're asking for.

But all this translates into me not wanting to work with other people. Whatever.

I'm getting all worked up & irritated.

I've got heart. I've got compassion. I really do. But to hear some people tell it...

Hmm...maybe I'd better save the rest for my physical journal.

I find that having given myself permission to drink, the desire isn't really there. Odd. Nevertheless, Jack is there if I want him. And that's a nice thought.

I'm exhausted & my wrists hurt. Enough typing for today.