Travis Bickle: June twenty-ninth. I gotta get in shape. Too much sitting has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on there will be 50 pushups each morning, 50 pullups. There will be no more pills, no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body. From now on will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight.

It's now been 23 days since my last drink. As I was strolling thru Target today, it hit me. Since I've not been drinking, I've been spending more money. I've been spending more money, I've been eating more. I had lost some weight the last time I went to the doctor. I've gained it ALL back & stopped exercising. I don't take my breaks & lunches at work regularly. I just want to work, work, work until it's time to go home (which I have NO problem doing--going home--there are PEOPLE out there). My house is a mess. I can leave dishes unwashed forever. And I'm horny all the time. So, I've taken a break from this one thing & all of these other things are happening. Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to go back to drinking (although heaven help me, going to the grocery store a few nights ago was the most painful experience I've had in a long while--I had to stroll the liquor lane. I HAD to.). But I'm just documenting the fact that I realize I'm creating these other problems because I'm apparently unable to properly cope with putting a leash on the main beast.

I can hear the clink of the ice being dropped into the glass. The cap being broken on the bottle of Jack. The scent. First taste. Slow burn. Tension eases from my shoulders. I feel my hair growing, my blood flowing, alive & worry free.

But no, I will continue with this whole sobriety thing.

I think he wants a divorce. He can go. They all can.

2007. Daphne Tuff is born.

Sunday December 31, 2006 - 12:35pm (PST)