Travis
Bickle: The days go on and on... they don't end. All my life needed was
a sense of someplace to go. I don't believe that one should devote his
life to morbid self-attention, I believe that one should become a
person like other people.
I
WILL be watching Taxi Driver tonight. There are days when that film is
more than just classic cinema to me. Sometimes I turn it on & it
speaks to me on levels I seldom acknowledge exist in this head of mine.
And I haven't been thru any wars like Travis. I'm surrounded by a
different kind of scum. It makes me sick.
Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets.
It
will be 20 days tomorrow since my last drink. I really want one. I am
surly whether I'm drinking or not but when I'm drinking, things are
less likely to bother me as acutely as they're bothering me now. I bite
my tongue until it bleeds to keep myself from saying what I'm thinking
because in the end, I'll just confirm what people already think about
me & nothing will change anyway. Mama said there are certain
circumstances in which if you haven't anything nice to say, it's best
not to say anything at all. And she gave me the good sense to identify
when keeping quiet is appropriate.
No
integrity, no pride, no ethic. I observe complete apathy & endure
restless sleep knowing that there isn't a damn thing I can do about it
other than become apathetic myself or leave. It used to be that I would
come home & burn away the day with a tumbler of JD. I miss it. But
no substance or person (other than myself) will ever control me. It is
important that I maintain sobriety until I've convinced myself that I
do indeed have control over when & how much I imbibe. The answer
hasn't been in the bottom of the last however many bottles I've
consumed since I started drinking 11 years ago. It probably isn't going
to be in the bottom of the next one I guzzle either. Best find another
way...
James Brown is dead.
People will drain every bit of life out of you, leaving nothing but a hollow shell in the shape of a person if you let them.
Wednesday December 27, 2006 - 05:37pm (PST)
