the other day i remembered that
conversation i had with you while i was there visiting...when i asked
you if it was the last time i would see you. i knew something was askew
then but i didn't trust my intuition so i looked to you for validation
which is something i'm usually not daft enough to do--check my
instincts with someone else. i trust my judgment & should have,
perhaps, trusted my gut feeling that shit was changing something major
& just prepared myself for what i knew was going to happen. anyway,
i was writing in my journal today during lunch about it getting
noticeably easier lately to deal with the loss of the energy of our
weird ass friendship or whatever you want to call it...and recalled the
fact that i believe that everything happens for a reason. and maybe the
because behind the why you have partially disappeared from my life is
that i might be forced to look locally for what i was clinging to in
you...a connection to someone that really meant something to me &
not these bullshit fluff stuff acquaintanceships where all you do is
talk about the weather & the last episode of american idol. i don't
think i will find it or anything close to it but who knows. when one
door closes, another one opens. sometimes it takes a minute or two to
locate that open door. gotta keep an open mind, an open heart.
but i still miss you because there is no other you for me out there.
again,
i am forced to revisit the fact that it seems a hell of a lot harder
for me to let go of someone i got really close to but didn't have sex
with. what the hell is up with that? maybe i can sort of understand the
concept of prostitution. sex is just sex. it's your body but it doesn't
have to be You. you could be doing your thing, going thru the
motions...but You are a million miles away. anyway, i didn't lie. it
truly is getting easier for me...not having him around. he hasn't been
replaced. i've gotta keep all the shit i used to tell him to myself now
cuz i can't find anywhere safe to put it but the daily calls, the
feeling connected to someone, a male someone, in a meaningful way...i'm
missing it less & less. i sort of miss the possessiveness. i think
part of me is addicted to extreme emotions. i felt very protective of
him, possessive...even though he was not really mines to protect or
possess. but it was a weird ass friendship with strange boundaries.
while i have no regrets, i don't know that i have the courage to get
back on the proverbial horse. this is probably the longest i've gone
without having a really close male friend in my life & it's a bit
unnerving because as long as i had that one someone, i felt like things
would be okay. didn't need a boyfriend or a whole bunch of other
friends. i felt fulfilled. and so, this is, i guess, a new era for me.
i've got a blank slate. maybe i'll leave it that way.
i don't think i'll send it to him. but i definitely needed to write it.
