Irritable.
Can't sleep. The rain starts. The rain stops. If it could continue for
a good 20 minutes, I'd probably fall asleep. But I don't think that's
going to happen.
I
think I'm going to start hanging out in the airport. Parking is
reasonable & I can get the time table for the arrivals. I like to
watch people greet each other in airports...decide who's going to be
having sex that night, who's just going to go home & pass out
because they got drunk on the flight home, observe people anxiously
watching the conveyor belt for their luggage.
I
found something belonging to my ex. I'm going to mail it to him. I
don't want to throw it out because he had it for a long time but I
don't want to keep it here either. No note. No matter what, I will not
write to him. Just his property in an envelope. Maybe no return address
either. They can throw it in dead mail if they want. But I will have
attempted to get it back to him.
GAWD
his naked body was beautiful. I should have photographed him. His
wasn't a perfect body--he was a bit too skinny--but it was beautiful.
The freckles on his back. I loved the freckles on his back. I could
draw a map on his back, connecting the freckles. And the curve of his
butt. Solid legs & biceps. And just a hint of a belly...38 year old
belly that wasn't going anywhere no matter what he did.
This
is what's bothering me. I don't recall how long it's been since I saw
him last. I should. I should remember how long ago I was stupid enough
to let him take a huge part of me with him when we decided to part
ways. No, I wasn't stupid. I wanted to be in love. Like in the books.
Or like my friends. I wanted to stop isolating. I wanted to try being a
part of a we. Trying to be normal. Maybe. Connected to someone in a
meaningful, complete way. I wanted to feel passionately about someone.
It simply might not be in me, that stuff. Whatever. I loved him. But I
was not passionate about him. Perhaps we were a mere convenience for
one another...two social misfits fitting together for a few years?
I wish I hadn't found his crap here. As if I haven't been having enough trouble sleeping.
I
worked today. And it felt good. I didn't want to leave the office. I
was talking to someone today and in considering how consumed in work I
have been lately, I realized that I need a distraction. Or, I would
like one. Maybe that's what I miss most about the Idiot. He was good
for distracting me. I don't think the friendship is completely tanked.
He's starting to call again. Still not addressing the crap that went
down but I can't be cold & cut him off completely just because I
chose to be needy once & it didn't work out the way I would have
liked. I know better. Don't ever need anyone. Recognize how their existence in your life enhances it but don't need anyone, ever. It all goes wrong.
I think I ought to take a break from all of this for a while.
The scars are healing but they itch like hell.
