Author: elistia

Last modified:2007-04-12 01:59:52

Posted:2007-04-12 01:59:52

Dear Body,

When I sense something is wrong with my car, I immediately take it somewhere to be looked at. If I hear a funny noise or I'm having to press the brake too hard or the alignment doesn't seem quite right, I get it checked out. I'm always listening for signs. I should pay you the same act of decency.

I am sorry. Although I knew I wasn't taking care of myself, although I admitted it to several people, I did nothing to change my behavior. When you wanted salad, I gave you slim fast. When you wanted a full course meal, I gave you nothing. When you needed hugs, I pushed people away. I'd work you out hard for a few days & then not work you out at all for a several days. I ignored your warnings. You took me out of commission during a 3 day weekend when I'd made plans to do other things & I was resentful of that. I just bided my time before I could go back to work rather than using the time to listen to you & get myself back on track. You let me know I was getting the crud & I chose to disregard that. You willed me to miss work, even messed with my ability to think clearly when I went in anyway...but that wasn't enough. I get it now. You hit me where it hurt the most...where it would get my attention...my checkbook.

The mind over matter mantra no longer worked. I utilized one of my health insurance benefits since I barely use them but pay the premiums anyway. They told me to go to urgent care for my neck & shoulders to make sure I hadn't seriously injured it somehow since it has been inhibiting my ability to move. When the Medcall RN made her recommendations & asked me what I was going to do, I told her that I was trying to avoid a doctor visit & that I really didn't know what I was going to do. I hung up the phone & the pulsating pain became more acute. And so I went.

The current pain is stress/anxiety related, the doctor said. He gave me prescriptions that I am to take for the next 2 days to get me to relax (involuntarily). His instructions were to lay low for those 2 days & then go have some fun...go dancing or something & maintain range of motion. He believes things will feel better in a few days.

I knew I was doing this to myself & yet, I did nothing to stop it. I am so sorry. I completely disrespected you. If I haven't got my body, my ability to move about, I really don't have much of anything. And so, I will be better.

I am going to take these pills but I thought it important that I apologize beforehand for needing it to come to this for me to pay serious attention.

I can always replace a car. But one life, one body. Lesson learned.

Respectfully,

P.S. The nurse went to take my blood pressure & she saw the scars & I told her that I was a cutter & she said she could see that & told me I shouldn't & I told her that I was a lot better...that I'd just had a relapse & that was true. It was just a relapse. I'm sorry for that too.

Comments

	bcre8v	2007-04-13 00:55:43
	I am so sorry that you are going through some pain right now. What has caused all of this for you and what has moved you to be so destructive to your body? I only ask b/c I understand.
	Brian	2007-04-16 21:39:26
	You are so creative, you are so smart. You have a strong wisdom inside of you. Consider consistantly diving in to use it before inconvenient things happen. I wrote this only to say the first and second sentence, but then realized it wasn't a complete comment on your writing, so I wrote sentence number three. I don't like to suggest without an ask, so don't take in my comments as suggestions, because they are just comments.
	elistia	2007-04-17 00:54:58
	i think it's simply an inability to release negative energy in a healthy way. i can exercise or whatever but i still have this residual anxiety that i can't seem to master. so i keep going & going & going until i run myself down or get so depressed, i can't function efficiently. once that happens, i am forced to take a personal inventory & pull my crap together. but i pretty much have to be forced to slow down when it comes to my work. unfortunately, in my mind, it is all i have. okay...i won't take your comments as suggestions unless i've asked you for suggestions. seems fair enough. although, thinking about it, i suppose if i truly weren't somewhat receptive to comments or suggestions, i'd make the entry private or write in my physical journal. but it's thoughtful of you to state your position explicitly.