Let's
talk about a friendship, a friendship forged between two people who
shouldn't have been friends in the first place. So the female friend,
in her infinite wisdom & quest to be there perhaps, perhaps in a
way that no one has ever been there for her, attempts to maintain the
friendship even though shortly after the friendship commences, it
becomes evident that the friendship should not continue. A third party
intervenes & the female half of this dynamic duo endures hateful,
racist, mean spirited words from this third party. The male half of
this dynamic duo is aware of what his "friend" is made to endure to be
friends with him & every now & again he inquires if she's heard
anything from this third party. He issues a standard "I'm sorry" &
she deals with the tearing down of her soul the best she can.
Eventually,
after much conflict, hurtful words, hurt feelings, tears, on again off
again bulls**t, the friendship comes to a screeching halt. The female
half of this duo becomes weary of feeling like the cause of everything
wrong in the life of this "friend" of hers, sick of being equated with
his pain & she finally figures out that she truly does not deserve
to be subject to the kind of verbal abuse she's allowed herself to
endure to remain friends with him. She finally feels strong enough
& worthy enough to admit to herself that although she longs for a
close male/female friendship in her life, although she believes that he
needs a good, stable, reliable friend in his corner & that she
probably could be that for him, it isn't worth it. She decides she
wants a break & insists on it. He obliges for a very short while.
Then he gets a wild hair up his ass & decides he's going to put his
foot down & be who he ought to be. But in doing so, he makes the
friend he claims to love vulnerable to the aforementioned third party
whose indescribable words of hatred breaks his friend completely down.
He gives his friend no warning that he's going to be making grand
announcements that might put her in the line of fire. And so, the
female, completely broken down, feeling utterly betrayed & having
allowed her heart to be annihilated to the point of not letting anyone
else close to her, tells him & this third party to f**k off &
leave her the hell alone. She cuts off communication to save what's
left of herself.
A
couple of months later, he resurfaces into her life. He has no words of
reassurance to offer her, a weak apology. He's got nothing to say to
her, really. And she has nothing to say to him. She's missed him. She's
wanted to contact him. She hoped that he'd contact her. But contact her
with some words of hope...something to make the past a distant memory
& the future look bright. But it wasn't that way at all. She gave
him a chance & he proved to her that she would still have to be the
strong one. She would still have to be in control, the keeper of
everyone's feelings. And she didn't want that. And so she tells him
goodbye, again. She finds herself putting it out there to the
universe...that when he figures out what he needs to say, what he needs
to do to earn her loyalty back, he might try to reach her again. But
not until then. Because she deserves so much more than he ever offered
her.
And then she realizes that the day will never come.
