I
don't like being this broke. I have approximately 34 accessible dollars
to my name right now combined in my bank accounts. the spending got out
of control, for one--trying to fill that void that not drinking opened
up. but, i also cleaned out my savings yesterday...paid her the last
bit of money i owed her & told her i would not be doing anything
else for her. there's a conflict of interest (sorta) but more
importantly I DON'T LIKE BEING/FEELING USED.
And I will not allow anyone to use me anymore and/or exploit the fact
that beneath my rough exterior, i'm probably a little too compassionate
for my own good.
so,
another friend has announced a pregnancy. my initial response was a
terse "congrats" by email. i thought about my lack of joy for her over
the last couple of days & decided i would just be honest. although
i love my niece & nephew in the most complete way--a way that i
probably will never love anyone else, i have a hard time with the idea
of people bringing children into this world. and call me prejudice or
mean or judgmental but i really have a hard time with people who have
acute mental health issues that aren't under control bringing children
into the world. genetics are wild cards in some areas, ya know? anyhow,
i wrote her this morning apologizing for the brevity of the initial
response & explaining myself. i am concerned for her well being but
know she will take care of herself.
i
asked a couple of friends how i could be a better friend to them. i
prefaced the question with the fact that i had prepared myself for any
response & that it was important to me that the person i was asking
be very honest. the first person i asked said that there wasn't
anything, thought about it for a minute, then responded that since i've
been medicated, i've changed some. sometimes my honesty is a little TOO
forthcoming. but at the same time, that's one of the things appreciated
about me. so, my understanding is that my delivery of "honesty" could
use a little refining. duly noted. the second response i got was that
there was nothing i could do to be a better friend. i pushed &
probed...there had to be something. nope, there was nothing. so i asked
that if anything came to this friend, please let me know.
i'm going to be late for work.
Thursday January 4, 2007 - 07:04am (PST)
