Well,
I broke yesterday. After seeing a movie with some friends, I stopped
into a bar I used to frequent quite regularly. I cut thru the alley,
entered thru the back door. It smelled like old alcohol & faintly
of cigarettes. I remember when you could still smoke in there years
ago. There were two people in the back shooting pool & 3 guys up
front. I knew better than to get anything "hard" because 1) I had to
drive home & 2) whatever I ordered would be watered down anyway.
That's just par for the course. So I ordered an amaretto sour &
settled close to the fire place. The first sip was exquisite. It didn't
even really taste good but the clinking of the ice against the sides of
the glass, stemmed cherry tickling the tip of my nose as I tilted the
glass to my lips, warm, sweet fluid down down down...making its way to
my esophagus...that felt good. The process of imbibing. I tried to sip
at first...take my time. I stared at the flames of the fire, trying to
distract myself from consuming the whole drink in one swallow. But I
couldn't hold back. I slammed it. Pulled the cherry from the glass with
the thumb & forefinger of my left hand, separated the stem from the
fruit with my teeth. Then I chewed on the stem for a while...continued
staring into flames...thinking how failure had never felt so good.
Glass emptied, no reason to stick around. I put the glass on the bar
& exited the front entrance feeling like a new me.
I
don't think there is a person on this planet who could offer me that
kind of comfort, that kind of respite from myself, from the world. He
came close though. I'd ask him to get naked & crawl into bed with a
fully clothed me. I'd wrap my arms around him & feel safe. I would
sleep the most amazing sleep.
When
I got home from the bar, I immediately climbed into bed. It was barely
5p & I climbed into bed & fell fast asleep. It was a good,
restful sleep. I woke up around 9pm, washed the dishes that had
accumulated in the sink over several days, straightened up my dream
room/office, then climbed back into bed by 10p. I was back asleep in no
time. I slept the whole night thru...an amazing sleep.
I
don't feel guilty for failing or "suffering a setback," to put it
euphemistically. But it scares me that after a mere 24 days, one
drink--a drink that wasn't even all that tasty, set my nerves at ease.
I have something to think about.
I guess I'm ready to write about New Year's Eve now that I know that he's alive & that nothing catastrophic happened.
Were
it not for a couple of friends, I'm not sure what I would have done New
Year's Eve. I wouldn't have done anything crazy...just stupid. I'm just
guessing though. It doesn't matter because I wasn't alone & it all
turned out okay. At the end of it, I was forced to admit to myelf that
I am not an island & there are times when I need to have other
people around. I thanked whatever is out there/up there that I have
these two people in my life right now.
New
Year's Eve is worst than Valentine's Day for me. I do not know why. The
past few years, I've spent the blessed event on the phone primarily
with a particular long distance "friend"...and a call from or to my
mother at some point before midnight. My "friend" decided to go
incognito despite my messages that I really needed him. My mother was
on vacation & we kept playing phone tag. I accepted that I wouldn't
talk to my mother but became progressively worried when I didn't hear
from my "friend." We've been friends in excess of 8 years & we
always spoke to each other at some point on New Year's Eve. I actually
hadn't spoken with him in several days. He called me around the 29th
& left a half hearted "Happy New Year" message on my machine. It
concerned me a little but I blew it off, figuring I'd find out what, if
anything, was going on with him when I spoke to him next. New Year's
Eve was the last time I left a message for him...a pathetic, damn near
desperate message letting him know that the unselfish me was hoping
that everything was okay, that he was doing alright but that the
selfish me could only think how the day was always a bad one for me
& that I really needed my friend so could he please call. No
response. No call New Year's Day either. So today he calls me after
work & it's as if nothing happened. I ask him if everything is
okay. He tells me he just hadn't wanted to communicate with anyone. He
says he only got my messages today & that he figured I would be
with my friends anyway. Well, I know he'd been online because he posted
to a message board on the 31st of December so I'm thinking he's full of
crap about the not wanting to communicate with anyone. So he's talking
small talk & I completely lose it after listening to him yammer on
for about 10 minutes. I tell him as calmly as I can that I am very
relieved that he is okay, that nothing had happened to him but that
with that relief came an incredible amount of anger & hurt &
that I need to process some things before we speak any further because
I don't want to say anything mean. I tell him that I needed a
friend...not a friend...that I needed HIM & he wasn't there &
that words cannot describe how angry I am. He tells me to say something
mean if I need to. I didn't want to. I ask him to let me go. I tell him
I will talk to him soon & we break the phone connection.
Years
ago, when we'd both broken up with our respective insignificant others
& we were commiserating, he told me that he didn't want anyone to
depend on him. I understood where he was coming from & respected
it. But we've been friends for a long time now. I don't ask for much
from anyone (because I'm stubborn) so when I do ask for something, it's
a big deal for me. I can deal with not getting what I ask for but I
have a hard time not having the request be acknowledged in some way.
I've been there for him so many times. He's repeatedly demonstrated to
me that he won't be there when I need him emotionally. I think now I
really understand. This is the pattern with me & men. Why
should/would he be any different? But now I am asking myself if I can
continue to be friends with someone I can't rely on at all after
this many years of friendship. Again, it is rare that I ever ask anyone
for anything. I needed my friend & I stated that explicitly when I
left the message for him on New Year's Eve. He chose to disregard that.
So what am I hanging on to?
Rough way to start a new year.
On
a brighter note, I got the first season of Martin on DVD. Watched 3
episodes & laughed my keister off. Had to make myself turn it off
& not watch too many episodes in one sitting. Must savor.
Still spending too much money.
Work
was crazy but I stayed quiet & calm as much as possible.
Consequently, I got a tremendous amount done. I was satisfied with my
productivity today. Forgot to take my second break but that's okay...as
long as it's not something I repeat tomorrow.
Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 09:41pm (PST)
