I had to listen
to her tell me how I was taking food out of the mouths of her children
at the end of my shitty work day. i sat there at my desk in the quiet,
everybody gone, staring at a dark computer screen. when i woke up, i
collected my bag & headed for my car.
after a couple of beers, i
temporarily forgot about her & her children & laughed &
flirted & joked & lost myself. or maybe found myself. i'm not
sure which. i walked around in the dark & cold, unfriendly breeze
up my skirt. inhaled & exhaled, watched the condensed water vapor
escape my breath. fascinated by the simple things, i was.
hopped in my car, perhaps under
the influence...of life. watched the road whiz by. tail lights of the
car ahead of me, glaring evil red eyes. peripheral show of the
christmas lights on the houses i drive by giving my mind something to
play with. i am not sure that i saw the road but i got home so...
i am outside in my robe
cleaning the cobwebs off of the house because the night sky is so clear
& so beautiful that the biting cold is welcome & i just want to
be outside. i lean the broom against the house, pull a fun size
snickers bar from the pocket of my robe, unwrap it. not much of a
chocolate fan but anything goes tonight. pop it in my mouth &
resume cleaning the cobwebs. sleeping pills are starting to work. i'm
ready to be inside. i'm ready to be nestled in my bed, pressed against
a body pillow for a little extra warmth. when i lock my door, i am
hopeful that i won't have to be on the other side of the door for at
least 24 hours. i will not answer my door or my phone. i am ready to
shut the world out now. when i am by myself, i am not stubborn or
without compassion. i am as fun, as appealing, as interesting as i
need to be. but then there are times...
when jack's not around, happiness is a fun size snickers bar & sleeping pills.
12.1.06
