Author: elistia

I spent the better part of my hour lunch today writing in my journal.  I had a relapse last night & I'm not really sure why it happened or what triggered it but I think I'm losing some control here & I'm not sure why. 
One of the things that I wrote in my journal is that I think part of my inner turmoil & difficulty with things lately is that I've perhaps been trying to fit in where I thought I wanted to fit in for someone I thought I wanted to fit in for.  In doing so, I negate a very core part of myself: that part of me that doesn't like to be out in groups of people, that prefers one on one contact.  The fact of the matter is, somewhere out there are people who I will/can connect with & I can just be myself & we will get along great & they will appreciate the fact that I prefer one on one because maybe they are like me or have times when they don't want to be out in groups of people...they just want to hang with one other friend.  I don't really want to change that about myself--my preference for more intimate friendships rather than casual acquaintanceships...not for anyone.  And so I need to pull back a little bit now & not feel like I might miss out on something by saying "no" to a situation/outing just because I want to be around a certain individual or I am feeling pressured in some way.  If the circumstances aren't comfortable for me, it's just not worth it.
I also believe that my allowing myself to need someone is just suicide.  Although it is a rare thing for me to feel like I need anyone, it turns out horribly each time that I do.  Having figured out that that is the case, I needn't relearn the lesson by going thru the pain over & over again.  So my desire to be more self reliant, independent, to regain my autonomy probably stems, in part, from what I've gone thru with the 3 people in the last 9 years who I've felt a need for in my life in some way. 
I added a couple of items to my "want" list but I am leaving it to my paper journal.  I will probably keep adding to the list as I continue to read & think about the books I'm hoping will help me.  However, maybe this weekend I ought to make my task ordering the list...what do I want to tackle first?  Then I need to start fleshing out how I am going to master the discipline...what steps I need to take to incorporate the discipline into my every day life so that it becomes second nature.  It's going to take a lot of repetition so I shouldn't delay getting started.  Also, I think that the order in which I tackle these tasks will be important because maybe tackling one want before the others will make the others easier to master.
I feel optimistic about it all right now.  I am very concerned about the setback I suffered last night & really do wonder at the source of it but I'm not ready to give it a whole lot of energy.  So I'm not going to.