Author: elistia

I suppose at some point I should seriously consider the allure of blogging over putting pen to paper.  I guess there is some part of me that wants to be read.  If I didn't, I could just type something on a piece of paper or write in my physical journal.  I think that if I'm going to be read, maybe I want to be read anonymously.  Having people at work quote me back to me can be a litte unsettling sometimes.  So I decided to relocate my blog.  Here we go.

I spoke with one of 2 people I trust at the agency about my concerns regarding becoming a supervisor.  She was the first one to say, "You're young.  There's plenty of time.  If you're not ready, you're not ready."  I explained to her that one of my major concerns--something I tried to explain to PunkAss--is that I don't have anything outside of work.  If I chose to go for the supervisor position, I would have an extra layer of responsibility & irritation & nothing outside of work to counteract that.  I am ill equipped to deal with that level of frustration in a healthy way.  I am working on it.  But I'm not there yet.  PunkAss keeps telling me that I'm acquiescing by not moving up.  I acquiesced when I applied as lead worker.  I didn't want the job.  I don't know how to get people to understand that I'm really not all that motivated.  Money doesn't do it for me.  I have a strong work ethic but I am not ambitious at all.  So playing the game, moving up...all that crap has no appeal to me.

I finished Be Like Water & was sad to turn the last page.  Today I ordered How To Calm Down, Bow to Life & the 3rd volume of Lone Wolf & Cub.  I am compulsively spending on books right now.  I hope it is a phase that will pass soon.

It's raining out.  It's wonderful, that sound.  I'm going to listen to it & a friend suggested that I count my breaths...to help me settle down at bed time.  I'm desperate so I will try it.  I am going to make a strong effort to not artificially induce my sleep anymore.  If I don't sleep, I just don't sleep.

Because it's really important, I need to restate my wants here...for reference.

I want:

--To not give advice unless asked for it
--To refrain from vocalizing disapproval of other peoples' personal choices regardless of what the perceived consequences for that person will be
--To listen more attentively to intuition
--To regain autonomy, self reliance, independence
--To observe & listen more than speaking
--To stop overextending
--To control my urges
--To practice pacing myself

--Increase personal correspondence