Any of the 60 seconds of the minute that is behind me could have been my last second in this life. Got up this morning for work thinking about death & just how interesting it is that human beings are fairly vulnerable but we proceed with life relatively sure that we're going to get another tomorrow.

Head goes to some dark places when I don't get sleep over an extended period of time.

Got a call from someone I used to be very close to once upon a time about an hour ago. As I listened to the update on her life, only part of which I heard because my mind started floating off to memories of that place where we used to be as opposed to where we are now, my heart sank. Where did we lose the core of our relationship? When? More importantly, if I could go back & retrieve what's been lost...

Shouldn't personalize it. Life happens, people follow their separate paths. But the last 5 years have been particularly rich with loss of interpersonal connections for me. I'm supposed to be learning something.

Maybe some of it is that I left to move here. Maybe I've changed. Or something.

Whatever.

Gotta get ready to go out.

I woke up this morning in a lot of physical pain...neck, shoulders, between the shoulder blades. It was 5:30 & I wasn't ready to get up but I could hardly move so my quest became to move. I hopped in the shower...adjusted the shower head to the hardest spray it could manage. It felt nice.

I popped some acetaminophen & got back into bed to read. Didn't feel like reading so I started a movie. Then decided I wanted coffee & a grilled cheese sandwich. Think I'm starting a grilled cheese sandwich phase. Settled back into bed with my coffee & grilled cheese sandwich. Restarted the movie. Finished the coffee & sandwich. And I started to bawl. So I called my friend. I called my friend & told her that I missed him & that I was lonely. The admission startled me...made me cry harder. I think I've only ever felt lonely one other time in my life & it was so brief, I hardly remember it. But this feels like it's killing some part of me. I didn't go thru this much turmoil when I broke up with B. I've lost a friend who's undependable & crazy as hell & I can't rebound from it. It makes no sense.

I apologized profusely to my friend for calling her, bawling hysterically. She told me that it's okay to cry. I told her that it's not. Then I revised my statement. It's okay to cry...in private. I told her I didn't know why I was hanging on so tight to this, that I usually don't have much trouble letting people go because they leave all the time.

I can't replace him. I've never been the type to believe that you can replace a person in your life. And I suppose I should be grateful that I've gone 33 years without ever really feeling lonely. This has been going on for a few months though. I think that in part, that is what I've been running from...what I've been using work to distract me from feeling. I've admitted it so now do I get to start healing so I can move on?

I woke up this morning in a lot of physical pain...neck, shoulders, between the shoulder blades. It was 5:30 & I wasn't ready to get up but I could hardly move so my quest became to move. I hopped in the shower...adjusted the shower head to the hardest spray it could manage. It felt nice.

I popped some acetaminophen & got back into bed to read. Didn't feel like reading so I started a movie. Then decided I wanted coffee & a grilled cheese sandwich. Think I'm starting a grilled cheese sandwich phase. Settled back into bed with my coffee & grilled cheese sandwich. Restarted the movie. Finished the coffee & sandwich. And I started to bawl. So I called my friend. I called my friend & told her that I missed him & that I was lonely. The admission startled me...made me cry harder. I think I've only ever felt lonely one other time in my life & it was so brief, I hardly remember it. But this feels like it's killing some part of me. I didn't go thru this much turmoil when I broke up with B. I've lost a friend who's undependable & crazy as hell & I can't rebound from it. It makes no sense.

I apologized profusely to my friend for calling her, bawling hysterically. She told me that it's okay to cry. I told her that it's not. Then I revised my statement. It's okay to cry...in private. I told her I didn't know why I was hanging on so tight to this, that I usually don't have much trouble letting people go because they leave all the time.

I can't replace him. I've never been the type to believe that you can replace a person in your life. And I suppose I should be grateful that I've gone 33 years without ever really feeling lonely. This has been going on for a few months though. I think that in part, that is what I've been running from...what I've been using work to distract me from feeling. I've admitted it so now do I get to start healing so I can move on?

So, they'd put me on that Lexapro stuff to help with my anxiety, depression & to curb some of the OCD. The pharmacy switched me to Citalopram (?) because a 90 day supply of that would cost considerably less than a 30 day supply of Lexapro & supposedly the doctor, who has retired on me (another one!), said it would be okay. I had started to ween off the medication anyway because I hate being on medications. I hate wondering who my true self is & feeling like a pharmaceutical version of myself. The medication just gets in the way. But I was desperate because the weak thread I feel like I'm always hanging on by had broken & I was heading face first into a dark hole that there was no way I was going to get out of on my own & I'd missed a fair share of work...which was my clue that I was really starting to not give a f**k about anything anymore. Anyway, that crap that I agreed to take, I think it exacerbated some of the OCD because work is really starting to consume me & I feel like I don't have any control over it. I tossed & turned & tossed & turned thinking about one damned case last night. One damned case. I finally got to sleep after midnight sometime (I stopped clockwatching because I started to panic about how little sleep I was getting & what the deprivation was going to do to me today). I tried reading. I tried writing in my journal. I tried listening to music. No matter what I did, part of my mind was focused on how I was going to fix that damned case. Anyway, I got out of the shower realizing that regardless of how ambitious I am to conquer any case set before me, this one I will not be able to beautify before it needs to move on. I am defeated.

CRAZY TALK!

And then I read last night's blog. I must sound like one of the loneliest 30-something's on the planet. I almost sexualize books. How sad is that? Not sad at all, actually. If I felt that I was accepting this life by default because a more "exciting" life had somehow escaped me, then it would be sad. But I actually kinda dig the life that I have chosen, for the most part. I can still say that I do not regret anything I have done in life...even the bad or unhealthy choices I've made. I've got a handful of friends, which is my preference. I've got a handful of skeletons which keeps me from seeming boring to myself. Of course I wish my temperament was a little more even but my guess is that if I were more emotionally stable, there wouldn't be much worthwhile (at least in my mind) for me to work on. It is the flaw that impacts everything else that I do so I have to keep trying to figure out ways to maintain. So far, I haven't f**ked up too badly with anyone or in anything that I've done occupationally. This is not a life unlived.

So, an acquaintance (& I do not use the term lightly...she barely knows me) told me that she had a dream that I was suffocating her for entertainment. My initial reaction was one of offense: the Big Bad Black Lady is suffocating her? She doesn't even know me, really. I shudder to think what her subconscious does with my existence. I responded to her, assuring her that there was really only one person I was violent toward & it was all in jest...that I get as good as I give, so she needed not worry. I question why she saw fit to tell me of this dream of hers & what I was supposed to do with the information. It's very unsettling to me but all I can think to do is let it go.

I need to get ready for work. My goal is to only do 8 hours today. That's why I'm blogging at 8am. I must arrive at 9a & not a minute earlier. I must leave no later than 6p, 5:30p at the earliest.

Irritable. Can't sleep. The rain starts. The rain stops. If it could continue for a good 20 minutes, I'd probably fall asleep. But I don't think that's going to happen.

I think I'm going to start hanging out in the airport. Parking is reasonable & I can get the time table for the arrivals. I like to watch people greet each other in airports...decide who's going to be having sex that night, who's just going to go home & pass out because they got drunk on the flight home, observe people anxiously watching the conveyor belt for their luggage.

I found something belonging to my ex. I'm going to mail it to him. I don't want to throw it out because he had it for a long time but I don't want to keep it here either. No note. No matter what, I will not write to him. Just his property in an envelope. Maybe no return address either. They can throw it in dead mail if they want. But I will have attempted to get it back to him.

GAWD his naked body was beautiful. I should have photographed him. His wasn't a perfect body--he was a bit too skinny--but it was beautiful. The freckles on his back. I loved the freckles on his back. I could draw a map on his back, connecting the freckles. And the curve of his butt. Solid legs & biceps. And just a hint of a belly...38 year old belly that wasn't going anywhere no matter what he did.

This is what's bothering me. I don't recall how long it's been since I saw him last. I should. I should remember how long ago I was stupid enough to let him take a huge part of me with him when we decided to part ways. No, I wasn't stupid. I wanted to be in love. Like in the books. Or like my friends. I wanted to stop isolating. I wanted to try being a part of a we. Trying to be normal. Maybe. Connected to someone in a meaningful, complete way. I wanted to feel passionately about someone. It simply might not be in me, that stuff. Whatever. I loved him. But I was not passionate about him. Perhaps we were a mere convenience for one another...two social misfits fitting together for a few years?

I wish I hadn't found his crap here. As if I haven't been having enough trouble sleeping.

I worked today. And it felt good. I didn't want to leave the office. I was talking to someone today and in considering how consumed in work I have been lately, I realized that I need a distraction. Or, I would like one. Maybe that's what I miss most about the Idiot. He was good for distracting me. I don't think the friendship is completely tanked. He's starting to call again. Still not addressing the crap that went down but I can't be cold & cut him off completely just because I chose to be needy once & it didn't work out the way I would have liked. I know better. Don't ever need anyone. Recognize how their existence in your life enhances it but don't need anyone, ever. It all goes wrong.

I think I ought to take a break from all of this for a while.

The scars are healing but they itch like hell.

Dear Body,

When I sense something is wrong with my car, I immediately take it somewhere to be looked at. If I hear a funny noise or I'm having to press the brake too hard or the alignment doesn't seem quite right, I get it checked out. I'm always listening for signs. I should pay you the same act of decency.

I am sorry. Although I knew I wasn't taking care of myself, although I admitted it to several people, I did nothing to change my behavior. When you wanted salad, I gave you slim fast. When you wanted a full course meal, I gave you nothing. When you needed hugs, I pushed people away. I'd work you out hard for a few days & then not work you out at all for a several days. I ignored your warnings. You took me out of commission during a 3 day weekend when I'd made plans to do other things & I was resentful of that. I just bided my time before I could go back to work rather than using the time to listen to you & get myself back on track. You let me know I was getting the crud & I chose to disregard that. You willed me to miss work, even messed with my ability to think clearly when I went in anyway...but that wasn't enough. I get it now. You hit me where it hurt the most...where it would get my attention...my checkbook.

The mind over matter mantra no longer worked. I utilized one of my health insurance benefits since I barely use them but pay the premiums anyway. They told me to go to urgent care for my neck & shoulders to make sure I hadn't seriously injured it somehow since it has been inhibiting my ability to move. When the Medcall RN made her recommendations & asked me what I was going to do, I told her that I was trying to avoid a doctor visit & that I really didn't know what I was going to do. I hung up the phone & the pulsating pain became more acute. And so I went.

The current pain is stress/anxiety related, the doctor said. He gave me prescriptions that I am to take for the next 2 days to get me to relax (involuntarily). His instructions were to lay low for those 2 days & then go have some fun...go dancing or something & maintain range of motion. He believes things will feel better in a few days.

I knew I was doing this to myself & yet, I did nothing to stop it. I am so sorry. I completely disrespected you. If I haven't got my body, my ability to move about, I really don't have much of anything. And so, I will be better.

I am going to take these pills but I thought it important that I apologize beforehand for needing it to come to this for me to pay serious attention.

I can always replace a car. But one life, one body. Lesson learned.

Respectfully,

DT

P.S. The nurse went to take my blood pressure & she saw the scars & I told her that I was a cutter & she said she could see that & told me I shouldn't & I told her that I was a lot better...that I'd just had a relapse & that was true. It was just a relapse. I'm sorry for that too.

I absolutely love the rain. I couldn't wait to get home & hop into bed, listen to the sound of the rain on my roof. It's the gray, still days that bring me down. It could rain 3/4ths of the year & I would be content. The rain invigorates me. I feel like the sun sucks energy from me & disperses that energy all around me but I am never able to recapture any of it directly. I think that's why I sleep so much in the Spring & Summer.

This book was a gentle, good bedfellow & I was sorry to see it end. I'm not sure that it was necessarily well written or even that I liked the story but my eyes scanning the words on the page for the last 6 nights brought me a great deal of comfort. Eventually, I hit that wave that I just couldn't help but ride out until the end. Although I wanted to prolong it as much as I could, I was too close to the finish to stop reading. So the read is done now & I must begin again...a new, fresh & energetic commitment to a new book. It will be quite an undertaking...it's something like 600 pages long. I don't do long books typically...too much commitment. But I will try because the story looks like it could be worth the time & effort.

These seem to be the only commitments I can manage...the commitment to a novel. Only once did I try to commit to another person & when it was over, my conclusion was that I would be hard pressed to find as fulfilling a relationship with another human being as that of the relationship between the reader & read.

I felt like I wanted to break stuff all day today.

to break free from myself.

I spent too much time thinking today. Maybe I f**ked up the friendship by making __________ too important. Maybe I was too much me. Or maybe I did nothing wrong at all but make the choice to let someone in who either wasn't ready to be in or didn't know what to do once I let my position be known. I'd really like to believe that this idea I have in my head about me & other people is all wrong but I've been choosing the wrong folks to believe in. Or at least I feel that way.

I guess I'm feeling the loss hard now. It hurts like hell.

On the brighter side of today, I accomplished a great deal of work at the office. Maybe that's the best part of me...the worker. I just need to keep focused on that. Although I did decide to have them take my name off the list for promotion. I don't want fate to decide that one for me.

Sometimes I could choke on my level of self absorption. Do I get brownie points for recognizing & admitting that I know I'm being self absorbed?

She told me if I miss ____________, to just call. There's nothing wrong with being honest. So I consider. Am I just being stubborn? Should I just forgive & forget & move on? And then I consider again. Do I want to go thru what I'm going thru now again? Because it will happen again, guaranteed. _________'s loyalty only extends to people who treat ___________ like crap, who use __________, to people who will treat ________ coldly but remain in contact just so they can dish out more nastiness. At least that was the impression I'd been given over the years. ________ always went back for more. And I sit here & think, __________ bends over & takes it from these other people but does nothing to rectify the situation between us. I've been nothing but loyal & dependable. I've been my own brand of crazy but I'm my own brand of crazy with anyone who is close to me. And ___________'s had years to realize that it was a craziness too big. It's not too big though. It comes with a lot of good. It comes with huge love, loyalty, dependability. It's more than most people give to each other. I know this.

Then I consider. Did I believe in something that wasn't there? I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I can hold on to what I thought was a true connection but circumstances being what they are, I have to question whether the connection was really there or if I just saw what I wanted to see. Everybody does that in relationships, intimate or platonic, at some point...see what they want to see. And sometimes that's okay...it keeps things going & the other person doesn't have to be any the wiser. I think about everything I've written & said to __________ in the past about how I feel. I start to think about the responses, or lack thereof. The hurt turns to anger. I'm going thru this process over & over & over again & I want it to stop so I find myself a different kind of pain so I don't have to think about it for a while.

i don't want to go thru this again. I don't want to believe in a lie. I don't want to force anyone to be friends with me who doesn't want to...or only wants to always on their own terms. I have to say goodbye...I have to say goodbye today & ride out the pain until it dies because it will die eventually. Eventually I will forget.

Toughen up, harden, let go, say goodbye & don't look back. That's the final decision. No more processing. No more blogging about this bulls**t.