en-us http://minddeposit.com/ http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/567 I guess the sad fact of it is that I let myself get kind of attached & now I need to detach & don't know how.  I can kind of understand why the Buddhists have the opinion of attachment that they do.  At first I thought it was kind of cold & selfish but really, attachments can (although they don't always) throw you off track...deter your focus.  There's been too much loss of people who mean anything to me over the last 6 months & while I am grateful that I did not have to experience the feeling of loneliness until I got to my 30s, this sucks ass.  However, I did not experience loneliness until now because I didn't really let people in, let them know me until quite recently.  I must now ask myself, is it worth it?  Is opening up & getting a block of time with a person, learning whatever I need to learn from the interaction, getting what I can from the relationship, worth what I have to go thru when they move on?  Is the knowledge acquired thru my interactions with these people something that I could probably learn on my own given time & enough objective observation of human behavior?I ask myself why I got attached in the first place, what I got attached to & what this acquaintanceship represents to me.  I feel absolutely silly that I am taking this so hard...that it's making my days seem so difficult (when combined with all of the rest of the crap going on in my life).  I try to throw myself into work but I am distracted...always distracted.  Efforts to be honest with myself about what this really means to me...or has meant to me...are thwarted by something unknown & unnameable (as of yet).  It cannot be fear, can it?  I can't imagine feeling something & being afraid of that feeling.  Or believing something & being afraid of that belief.  I sit to write in my journal & nothing comes out...nothing honest & true, at least.  Only fluff.  What am I not admitting to?I left work early today.  The voices of the people around me seemed unbearably loud, I was really screwing up cases, I could not focus, I felt exhausted.  I came home & hopped into bed.  I slept.My hair is driving me crazy & I am quite tempted to shave it completely off but I have so far restrained myself because I have no idea how I would look as a nearly bald chick.  I don't know what to do with it anymore.  It's an absolute mess...chaotic...an extension of my mind?I need to finish Book of Five Rings.  It's beginning to feel like a commitment.  I'm ready to be done with it.  It's only 160 pages, for crying out loud. 2007-04-28 05:49:43 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/567 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/545 so, i did a little experiment today. the goal was to do as little work as possible just to see how it is for the fuck fucks who show up to the office but don't do a lick of work all day. i think i pulled off doing about 25% of what i normally do in a day. you would have sworn i killed babies & ate their heads. i wanted to know though. i wanted to know what it would be like to show up to work & not be the work horse that people expect. and i could allow myself to do it because i could give a rat's ass about looking impressive. i just wanted to be a different version of me.the decision to try this experiment was born out of two things: anger over things i have no control over & the fact that i've been thinking about how routine & regimented monday thru friday is after reading something a friend of mine wrote. so i thought, why not mix it up a little. screw the rules. i always follow the rules & it gets me zilch. so, today i did a lot of daydreaming (which i'm actually horrible at doing), just staring at my computer screen & studying the dank, disgusting ceiling of the big room. i listened to my music, even sang along at times. i would like to say it was a great or liberating experience but in all honesty, it was actually hard to maintain...the lazy attitude...sitting there with the work staring me in the face & just letting it sit there. how do people do it? maybe i need another day to hone the skill. maybe i need a repeat tomorrow.i'm considering going to the meeting tonight...learn about Jesus. if i could just go in, hear the sermon & get out without anyone really talking to me, the decision would be made...i'd just do it. but i'm not looking to set up bible studies or have anyone call on me at my home. i just want to go learn about Jesus. i ironed a skirt & a top. i need to shower because i smell sweaty after exercising. i've got about 45 minutes to get ready & leave if i'm going to do it.i HATE april & may. they are invariably horrible months for me, for my stability. it's going to be a long 8 weeks. 2007-04-16 03:21:51 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/545 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/544 It is wise to direct your anger towards problems - not people; to focus your energies on answers - not excuses. — William Arthur Ward--To not give advice unless asked for it--To refrain from vocalizing disapproval of other peoples' personal choices regardless of what the perceived consequences for that person will be--To listen more attentively to intuition--To regain autonomy, self reliance, independence--To observe & listen more than speaking--To stop overextending--To control my urges--To practice pacing myself--Increase correspondence 2007-04-16 03:20:20 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/544 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/543 Movie: Revenge of the SithQuote: Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.My closest, geekiest friends know that my favorite number is pi. So I get this from a friend today, it being 3-14 & my still being a geek, deep, deep down... I'm like pi: irrational but well rounded: 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679 8214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196 4428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273 7245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903600113305305488204665213841469519415116094 3305727036575959195309218611738193261179310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912 9833673362440656643086021394946395224737190702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669405132 0005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235 4201995611212902196086403441815981362977477130996051870721134999999837297804995105973173281609631859 5024459455346908302642522308253344685035261931188171010003137838752886587533208381420617177669147303 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9588970695365349406034021665443755890045632882250545255640564482465151875471196218443965825337543885 6909411303150952617937800297412076651479394259029896959469955657612186561967337862362561252163208628 6922210327488921865436480229678070576561514463204692790682120738837781423356282360896320806822246801 2007-04-16 03:17:58 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/543 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/542 Why do people still believe in the democratic process? Because what is on the other side of democracy? Chaos. Fuckin chaos, that's what.I really shouldn't discuss politics when I'm drunk. 2007-04-16 03:16:49 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/542 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/541 A co-worker invited me to this wine & art thingy that was happening in town. Tempted though I was to bail at the last minute, I did not. I thought the change of pace was something I needed & gave me the opportunity to hang out one on one with someone I don't really hang out with much. So I scrubbed up nice like because I wasn't too sure how people would be dressed at this thing. It IS Humboldt County though so I didn't "dress up"--not the way I would feel obligated to dress if I were in SF or Chicago or somewhere. I wasn't wearing sweats though either. Anyway, got a glass of wine & settled in a chair. This guy's presentation started & essentially, he discussed the composition of a few pieces of art he had on slides & then demonstrated how the composition worked. It was interesting for a number of reasons. 1. I am & will always be envious of people who noticeably have a passion for something or someone; a thing that has been lacking in my life for a very long time. It is an energy that I very much enjoy observing. 2. I got a kick out of listening to the artist talk about painting & evaluating art & hitting that point that many artists hit when they're talking about doing what they love & why they believe the art is art...that place where the process becomes ineffable & only body language, facial expression, that goofy glow is the only thing that speaks to what is so wonderful about the artful world that they've created for themselves. 3. The artist pointed out the lines of composition in each of the slides he chose for the presentation. After the 3rd or so slide, I began to see the mathematics in it & suddenly became a lot more interested in what he was talking about it. Soon, I was mentally slapping graphs, well maybe not quite graphs but weird quadrants or something, on each painting & making the lines to frame sections of the pictures in my mind. I identified how one object would bleed into another to give the picture a fluidity. At one point, we were looking at a slide & after having decided what I thought the focal point of the painting was, I asked the artist where it was. The place that he identified was actually the last place that my eyes went to. I was reminded that while I can appreciate art in my own rather limited & narrow way, it (art appreciation) probably isn't my forte. It seems to me, sometimes, that an artist or lover of art approaches a piece from an emotional standpoint. I think that I tend to look at a piece of art & try to put words to what I am seeing & then move toward attaching some sort of emotion to the words that I come up with. So I guess I'm sort of assbackwards about it, in that sense. Anyway, it was interesting & thought provoking. I think I owe my co-worker.We ducked out about 3/4ths of the way thru the presentation, during a wine break for the artist. We hit up an Italian restaurant where I had a fairly decent gnocchi & a bottle of beer. The downside of my preference for one on one interactions with people is that unless I am out with someone who is comfortable being silent, I usually come home feeling like I said too much, disclosed too much about what is in my head, that sort of thing. Does matter what the other person's perception is. If I feel like I've shared too many thoughts, it's hard for me not to feel silly when all is said & done. Tonight is no exception. But at some point tonight...or maybe tomorrow morning, I will go to sleep & hopefully forget most of what I said. 2007-04-16 03:14:04 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/541 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/540 So after I called cryin to my mama, I called my friend up at work to see what she was doing after work because I knew I wasn't going to stay out of trouble if I stayed at home all day by myself. She & I decided to meet for lunch later in the afternoon. After hanging up the phone, I decided to let those YBB sluts work me (there are only so many crunches I will do!), showered, then decided to go by the post office. I don't know if I'm glad I went or not. I only see him 2 or 3 times a year but he reaches a part of me that makes me feel like a complete dork because I involuntarily flirt with him whether I want to or not. How I loathed him back in my math days. Every class I had with him, he made it all look so effortless. He could write a computer program in the blink of an eye & I struggled with it & hated him for being gifted. Yes, that is my achilles heel. So anyway, I bounded the 3 stairs to the post office & he held the door open for me. Didn't recognize him until he said hello. Immediate grin from ear to ear, locked eyes with him (as I was mentally making him naked & tied up in my bed) & asked him how he was doing. We exchanged niceties & I excused myself to check my mailbox. WHY did I wear boxers today? Lord help me control my juices. Got my mail & he was sort of pacing in the lobby area. I'm not sure what he was doing. Anyway, I told him to take care. He looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes, that olive complexion, perfect lips into a mind numbing smile, "You too." I just need to tell him I think he's absolutely beautiful & get it over with. I only see him on rare occasion anyway. I'm no longer weepy. I'm horny. Heaven help me. Time for an underwear change. 2007-04-16 03:12:33 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/540 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/539 Any of the 60 seconds of the minute that is behind me could have been my last second in this life. Got up this morning for work thinking about death & just how interesting it is that human beings are fairly vulnerable but we proceed with life relatively sure that we're going to get another tomorrow. Head goes to some dark places when I don't get sleep over an extended period of time. Got a call from someone I used to be very close to once upon a time about an hour ago. As I listened to the update on her life, only part of which I heard because my mind started floating off to memories of that place where we used to be as opposed to where we are now, my heart sank. Where did we lose the core of our relationship? When? More importantly, if I could go back & retrieve what's been lost... Shouldn't personalize it. Life happens, people follow their separate paths. But the last 5 years have been particularly rich with loss of interpersonal connections for me. I'm supposed to be learning something. Maybe some of it is that I left to move here. Maybe I've changed. Or something. Whatever. Gotta get ready to go out. 2007-04-16 03:09:58 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/539 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/538 the other day i remembered that conversation i had with you while i was there visiting...when i asked you if it was the last time i would see you. i knew something was askew then but i didn't trust my intuition so i looked to you for validation which is something i'm usually not daft enough to do--check my instincts with someone else. i trust my judgment & should have, perhaps, trusted my gut feeling that shit was changing something major & just prepared myself for what i knew was going to happen. anyway, i was writing in my journal today during lunch about it getting noticeably easier lately to deal with the loss of the energy of our weird ass friendship or whatever you want to call it...and recalled the fact that i believe that everything happens for a reason. and maybe the because behind the why you have partially disappeared from my life is that i might be forced to look locally for what i was clinging to in you...a connection to someone that really meant something to me & not these bullshit fluff stuff acquaintanceships where all you do is talk about the weather & the last episode of american idol. i don't think i will find it or anything close to it but who knows. when one door closes, another one opens. sometimes it takes a minute or two to locate that open door. gotta keep an open mind, an open heart. but i still miss you because there is no other you for me out there. again, i am forced to revisit the fact that it seems a hell of a lot harder for me to let go of someone i got really close to but didn't have sex with. what the hell is up with that? maybe i can sort of understand the concept of prostitution. sex is just sex. it's your body but it doesn't have to be You. you could be doing your thing, going thru the motions...but You are a million miles away. anyway, i didn't lie. it truly is getting easier for me...not having him around. he hasn't been replaced. i've gotta keep all the shit i used to tell him to myself now cuz i can't find anywhere safe to put it but the daily calls, the feeling connected to someone, a male someone, in a meaningful way...i'm missing it less & less. i sort of miss the possessiveness. i think part of me is addicted to extreme emotions. i felt very protective of him, possessive...even though he was not really mines to protect or possess. but it was a weird ass friendship with strange boundaries. while i have no regrets, i don't know that i have the courage to get back on the proverbial horse. this is probably the longest i've gone without having a really close male friend in my life & it's a bit unnerving because as long as i had that one someone, i felt like things would be okay. didn't need a boyfriend or a whole bunch of other friends. i felt fulfilled. and so, this is, i guess, a new era for me. i've got a blank slate. maybe i'll leave it that way. i don't think i'll send it to him. but i definitely needed to write it. 2007-04-16 03:03:55 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/538 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/537 Amazing the built in mechanisms human beings have that make them want to propagate the species...be it needing to fulfill a desire to take care of someone, be it a need to have sex, be it the desire to see a part of yourself combined with a part of your partner in another being. My baby yearnings are near unbearable but I am very aware of the fact that my emotions in this area of my life are attempting to overshadow my sense of the rational & what is right & sensible. I cannot divorce myself from my feelings but I will not let emotions win. It's making me tired. My co-worker brought her son in yesterday & he felt good (& heavy *grin*) in my arms. I walked this co-worker to another unit so I could hold the baby a little longer & this woman in the other unit looked at me & said, "______ holding a baby?" Kind of rolling my eyes, I told her "I love babies." She said, "I never would have guessed," which made me wonder for a split second what her perception of me is until I remembered who I was talking to & realized that I didn't care what her perception of me is. "You'd be surprised. Only thing is, they don't stay babies. They turn into me & you." I looked into that baby's beautiful eyes, looked at that drooly smile, felt my eyes start to well with tears & promptly returned him to his mother. This is not me but it is. What do I do with the love? I called my mom & started to cry. I've been looking at video footage of my niece that I took last weekend. Yes, I am doing this to myself. We started talking about other things which is perhaps, why I called her in the first place...for the distraction. I'm trying not to artificially induce my sleep & it's going terribly. I need to find something to do with my Friday nights. 2007-04-16 02:59:08 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/537 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/535 When I was on one of many "off again" periods with B, my mama sent me a card that had that saying by some kid...I think her name was Sarah Kane. The saying goes, "no boy is worth crying for & the one who is won't make you cry." I did shed some tears over the tumultuous relationship I had with him over the __ year period that we were involved but I think that a lot of that had to do with the fact that sex was involved. I seriously think that nookie jacked up my sense of reason something fierce which is why I liked sex so much: it wasn't something I could really intellectualize anymore once I'd gotten comfortable & was doing it with the same person on a regular basis over a period of time. It was something that seemed to always catch me unawares...even when I was initiating it because doing it was so opposite of what I believed about myself: that I was incapable of connecting with anyone like that & blah blah blah. So I was operating on a whole different level with him...unfamiliar territory. The guys before him had been these fleeting encounters that I can't even adequately describe if I tried. Kind of a blur. Insignificant. There was very little emotion behind it outside of a sort of desperation...for what, I have no idea. Simply put, it was sex for sex's sake.The last male I cried over, I never had sex with. So I can't say that I would never cry over a guy that I wasn't intimate with. We swapped spit, shared sleep. But never did the deed. Be warned though. Shared sleep is a dangerous sport--even more dangerous than sex. Don't believe me? To quote from Milan Kundera's Unbearable Lightness of Being (& I believe there is much merit to this quote): Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman). I know that there are men that I've not had sex with that I wanted to wake up next to in the morning. And then there have been men that I wanted to kick out of the bed as soon as humanly possible. Not that I've slept with a lot of them. Anyhooooooooooo, nine years of a deep attachment to Mr Platonic & something got broken beyond repair. He perhaps grew bored (which he swore always happened to him first--people got bored with him or annoyed with him first) or insecure, feeling that he was no longer the alpha male in my life. I don't know what the **** his problem became but he hurt me terribly...in a way I didn't think I was capable of feeling hurt. I know that my emotions run pretty deep but I also know that I have fairly thick walls that are difficult to penetrate. I had no idea the power he could have over my state of being. The control. I don't know how/when we got to that point. It baffles my mind. And I know I said I wasn't going to blog about him anymore but I just got an email from him after several weeks of nothing & I think I understand now why he made himself unavailable or preoccupied or distracted or whatever ****in euphemism he'd want to use. And it hurt me all over again. And I don't know why it's hurting & I don't know how to make it stop. I'm trying to ride the pain & not fight it in hopes that it will not stick around too long but sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, it hurts so bad. All I really wanted was a solid friendship.I wish he hadn't written. 2007-04-16 02:53:46 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/535 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/534 Last night, I was worked up, angry, exhausted. Something compelled me to take out my Homedic white noise machine that also has ocean, rainforest sounds, etc. I was a little irritated because it had stopped raining outside. I was on my 2nd or 3rd glass of wine. I lit a stick of incense & selected the ocean sound. I got into bed, head to pillow, remember saying aloud "I'm just so exhausted." Next thing I know, my alarm goes off & it's time to get up. I slept hard & remembered snippets of my dreams when I woke up.I got home this evening, ate some curry & rice, watched a movie, exercised, cleaned my kitchen. Came time to hop into bed so I did...Hagakure waiting for me, a good bedfellow like many of the books that came before. Started to read. Started to mellow. And the phone rings. I pick it up. Conversation got me worked up again, excited. I'm out of wine. I'm desperate for sleep like last night's sleep. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning it felt so good. I wonder if it could be a matter of ceremony. I lit a stick of incense & turned on ocean even though it's raining out & I can hear the rain. I'm afraid if I start reading, I will start thinking too much. But I'm not ready to put head to pillow just yet. So I thought I would blog about nothing.I found myself talking too much about the situation with The Idiot today with people at work. Bad form. Need to keep the personal life personal. I'm breaking my own rule. There is a better way to deal with the anger. I don't feel hurt anymore. Heart hardened back up. I'm just angry. But I am optimistic that the anger will turn to apathy & I won't care anymore. Once I get there, no matter what happens, my back will be turned for good. And nothing will make me turn around again. I have a feeling that this is the year that I'm going to be tested the most. This is the year that I'm going to find out what kind of adult I really am. It sucks because I realized that a few people have been testing me & the minute I realized that that was what they were doing, it pissed me off. It's a manipulation...testing someone. If a person cares enough to want to know where someone stands, that person should trust enough to ask the person directly & be confident that they will get an honest answer. But I don't suppose that most people operate that way. Maybe it is a lot to expect.Being sexist against my own gender here: I find that women tend to "test" a little more frequently than men. But women don't just test men...they test other women too. It's crap. They say things, drop little hints, speak all around what they really want to say to the other woman...hoping that the other woman's intuition will kick in & the conclusion can be drawn without the admission being made. I had that happen to me recently & it incensed me to no end. I drew my conclusion & made it plain & was attacked for coming out & stating what I knew to be true. So in a sense, I gave her what she wanted. But I'm simply too old to be playing games. I think I came out of the womb being too old to play games. I have no interest in them. I was never given a rule book & even if I had been given one, I wouldn't have made time to read it.If my mind would just calm down a little...Don't forget your time study. Don't forget your time study. Don't forget your time study. You shouldn't have brought it home anyway.Read. Sleep. Dream. 2007-04-16 02:50:10 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/534 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/533 Although I stick with my decision to not have children, I realized this morning in the shower that I am now beginning to deal with the emotional ramifications of making such a decision. I'd been intellectualizing the whole thing up until now...raising very valid & sensible arguments for why I should not procreate. But I think the clock might be ticking. Or maybe it is just a selfish desire to have someone to love, to be able to take care of someone. Outside of the whole "being fruitful & becoming many" if you believe in the Bible & God's will, are there really any noble reasons for wanting to have a child? Or are all the reasons selfish ones? I wonder. 2007-04-16 02:46:43 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/533 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/532 Nevermind. Just retreat & be done with it. Geezus.The biggest mistake I can make is to believe that what I'm not doing now is better than what I am doing now. I read something tantamount to that today & it hit home for me. I tell myself that I long to resume a near cloistered existence & am resentful that I can't seem to find my way back to that but that is because I am focusing on the wrong things. And what I am focusing on isn't real...not really. It's an illusory hope. Then I doubt my perceptions of what's really going on because in order to hold on to that hope, I have to ignore what I'm seeing. I am not always right. But I am not always wrong either. And my lack of being able to articulate what I am seeing in a way that people can understand that I am behaving the way I am behaving out of a will toward self preservation is what sometimes compels me to do the exact opposite of what I know I should do.My co-worker told me that he wanted to see me happier. Happier than what? I thought. We had a brief discussion but in the course of that discussion, I could never quite get at how he saw me. Does he see me as unhappy? I've never really viewed myself unhappy. I've never really viewed myself as happy either. I am simply too much inside my head. Work is a mediocre distraction but one that I am often thankful for. My emotions run the gamut during that 8 hours & I've lost the skill I used to have of appearing the blank slate...of shrouding my moodiness in a flat affect. If I am allowed to keep working, nobody would be the wiser. I was told that it was unhealthy to be that way--flat affect. It's unhealthy to be moody & it's unhealthy to have no emotions at all & I work on finding something in the middle but it ain't easy. 2007-04-16 02:45:40 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/532 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/531 I woke up this morning in a lot of physical pain...neck, shoulders, between the shoulder blades. It was 5:30 & I wasn't ready to get up but I could hardly move so my quest became to move. I hopped in the shower...adjusted the shower head to the hardest spray it could manage. It felt nice. I popped some acetaminophen & got back into bed to read. Didn't feel like reading so I started a movie. Then decided I wanted coffee & a grilled cheese sandwich. Think I'm starting a grilled cheese sandwich phase. Settled back into bed with my coffee & grilled cheese sandwich. Restarted the movie. Finished the coffee & sandwich. And I started to bawl. So I called my friend. I called my friend & told her that I missed him & that I was lonely. The admission startled me...made me cry harder. I think I've only ever felt lonely one other time in my life & it was so brief, I hardly remember it. But this feels like it's killing some part of me. I didn't go thru this much turmoil when I broke up with B. I've lost a friend who's undependable & crazy as hell & I can't rebound from it. It makes no sense. I apologized profusely to my friend for calling her, bawling hysterically. She told me that it's okay to cry. I told her that it's not. Then I revised my statement. It's okay to cry...in private. I told her I didn't know why I was hanging on so tight to this, that I usually don't have much trouble letting people go because they leave all the time. I can't replace him. I've never been the type to believe that you can replace a person in your life. And I suppose I should be grateful that I've gone 33 years without ever really feeling lonely. This has been going on for a few months though. I think that in part, that is what I've been running from...what I've been using work to distract me from feeling. I've admitted it so now do I get to start healing so I can move on? 2007-04-16 02:44:46 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/531 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/530 I woke up this morning in a lot of physical pain...neck, shoulders, between the shoulder blades. It was 5:30 & I wasn't ready to get up but I could hardly move so my quest became to move. I hopped in the shower...adjusted the shower head to the hardest spray it could manage. It felt nice. I popped some acetaminophen & got back into bed to read. Didn't feel like reading so I started a movie. Then decided I wanted coffee & a grilled cheese sandwich. Think I'm starting a grilled cheese sandwich phase. Settled back into bed with my coffee & grilled cheese sandwich. Restarted the movie. Finished the coffee & sandwich. And I started to bawl. So I called my friend. I called my friend & told her that I missed him & that I was lonely. The admission startled me...made me cry harder. I think I've only ever felt lonely one other time in my life & it was so brief, I hardly remember it. But this feels like it's killing some part of me. I didn't go thru this much turmoil when I broke up with B. I've lost a friend who's undependable & crazy as hell & I can't rebound from it. It makes no sense. I apologized profusely to my friend for calling her, bawling hysterically. She told me that it's okay to cry. I told her that it's not. Then I revised my statement. It's okay to cry...in private. I told her I didn't know why I was hanging on so tight to this, that I usually don't have much trouble letting people go because they leave all the time. I can't replace him. I've never been the type to believe that you can replace a person in your life. And I suppose I should be grateful that I've gone 33 years without ever really feeling lonely. This has been going on for a few months though. I think that in part, that is what I've been running from...what I've been using work to distract me from feeling. I've admitted it so now do I get to start healing so I can move on? 2007-04-16 02:40:29 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/530 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/529 So, they'd put me on that Lexapro stuff to help with my anxiety, depression & to curb some of the OCD. The pharmacy switched me to Citalopram (?) because a 90 day supply of that would cost considerably less than a 30 day supply of Lexapro & supposedly the doctor, who has retired on me (another one!), said it would be okay. I had started to ween off the medication anyway because I hate being on medications. I hate wondering who my true self is & feeling like a pharmaceutical version of myself. The medication just gets in the way. But I was desperate because the weak thread I feel like I'm always hanging on by had broken & I was heading face first into a dark hole that there was no way I was going to get out of on my own & I'd missed a fair share of work...which was my clue that I was really starting to not give a f**k about anything anymore. Anyway, that crap that I agreed to take, I think it exacerbated some of the OCD because work is really starting to consume me & I feel like I don't have any control over it. I tossed & turned & tossed & turned thinking about one damned case last night. One damned case. I finally got to sleep after midnight sometime (I stopped clockwatching because I started to panic about how little sleep I was getting & what the deprivation was going to do to me today). I tried reading. I tried writing in my journal. I tried listening to music. No matter what I did, part of my mind was focused on how I was going to fix that damned case. Anyway, I got out of the shower realizing that regardless of how ambitious I am to conquer any case set before me, this one I will not be able to beautify before it needs to move on. I am defeated. CRAZY TALK! And then I read last night's blog. I must sound like one of the loneliest 30-something's on the planet. I almost sexualize books. How sad is that? Not sad at all, actually. If I felt that I was accepting this life by default because a more "exciting" life had somehow escaped me, then it would be sad. But I actually kinda dig the life that I have chosen, for the most part. I can still say that I do not regret anything I have done in life...even the bad or unhealthy choices I've made. I've got a handful of friends, which is my preference. I've got a handful of skeletons which keeps me from seeming boring to myself. Of course I wish my temperament was a little more even but my guess is that if I were more emotionally stable, there wouldn't be much worthwhile (at least in my mind) for me to work on. It is the flaw that impacts everything else that I do so I have to keep trying to figure out ways to maintain. So far, I haven't f**ked up too badly with anyone or in anything that I've done occupationally. This is not a life unlived. So, an acquaintance (& I do not use the term lightly...she barely knows me) told me that she had a dream that I was suffocating her for entertainment. My initial reaction was one of offense: the Big Bad Black Lady is suffocating her? She doesn't even know me, really. I shudder to think what her subconscious does with my existence. I responded to her, assuring her that there was really only one person I was violent toward & it was all in jest...that I get as good as I give, so she needed not worry. I question why she saw fit to tell me of this dream of hers & what I was supposed to do with the information. It's very unsettling to me but all I can think to do is let it go. I need to get ready for work. My goal is to only do 8 hours today. That's why I'm blogging at 8am. I must arrive at 9a & not a minute earlier. I must leave no later than 6p, 5:30p at the earliest. 2007-04-16 02:34:46 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/529 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/528 Irritable. Can't sleep. The rain starts. The rain stops. If it could continue for a good 20 minutes, I'd probably fall asleep. But I don't think that's going to happen. I think I'm going to start hanging out in the airport. Parking is reasonable & I can get the time table for the arrivals. I like to watch people greet each other in airports...decide who's going to be having sex that night, who's just going to go home & pass out because they got drunk on the flight home, observe people anxiously watching the conveyor belt for their luggage. I found something belonging to my ex. I'm going to mail it to him. I don't want to throw it out because he had it for a long time but I don't want to keep it here either. No note. No matter what, I will not write to him. Just his property in an envelope. Maybe no return address either. They can throw it in dead mail if they want. But I will have attempted to get it back to him. GAWD his naked body was beautiful. I should have photographed him. His wasn't a perfect body--he was a bit too skinny--but it was beautiful. The freckles on his back. I loved the freckles on his back. I could draw a map on his back, connecting the freckles. And the curve of his butt. Solid legs & biceps. And just a hint of a belly...38 year old belly that wasn't going anywhere no matter what he did. This is what's bothering me. I don't recall how long it's been since I saw him last. I should. I should remember how long ago I was stupid enough to let him take a huge part of me with him when we decided to part ways. No, I wasn't stupid. I wanted to be in love. Like in the books. Or like my friends. I wanted to stop isolating. I wanted to try being a part of a we. Trying to be normal. Maybe. Connected to someone in a meaningful, complete way. I wanted to feel passionately about someone. It simply might not be in me, that stuff. Whatever. I loved him. But I was not passionate about him. Perhaps we were a mere convenience for one another...two social misfits fitting together for a few years? I wish I hadn't found his crap here. As if I haven't been having enough trouble sleeping. I worked today. And it felt good. I didn't want to leave the office. I was talking to someone today and in considering how consumed in work I have been lately, I realized that I need a distraction. Or, I would like one. Maybe that's what I miss most about the Idiot. He was good for distracting me. I don't think the friendship is completely tanked. He's starting to call again. Still not addressing the crap that went down but I can't be cold & cut him off completely just because I chose to be needy once & it didn't work out the way I would have liked. I know better. Don't ever need anyone. Recognize how their existence in your life enhances it but don't need anyone, ever. It all goes wrong. I think I ought to take a break from all of this for a while. The scars are healing but they itch like hell. 2007-04-16 02:32:32 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/528 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/527 A couple of people have sent me comments but I don't know how to get responses to them so, please don't think I'm ignoring you...I'm still learning how to navigate MindDeposit. 2007-04-15 06:24:08 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/527 http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/524 Dear Body, When I sense something is wrong with my car, I immediately take it somewhere to be looked at. If I hear a funny noise or I'm having to press the brake too hard or the alignment doesn't seem quite right, I get it checked out. I'm always listening for signs. I should pay you the same act of decency. I am sorry. Although I knew I wasn't taking care of myself, although I admitted it to several people, I did nothing to change my behavior. When you wanted salad, I gave you slim fast. When you wanted a full course meal, I gave you nothing. When you needed hugs, I pushed people away. I'd work you out hard for a few days & then not work you out at all for a several days. I ignored your warnings. You took me out of commission during a 3 day weekend when I'd made plans to do other things & I was resentful of that. I just bided my time before I could go back to work rather than using the time to listen to you & get myself back on track. You let me know I was getting the crud & I chose to disregard that. You willed me to miss work, even messed with my ability to think clearly when I went in anyway...but that wasn't enough. I get it now. You hit me where it hurt the most...where it would get my attention...my checkbook. The mind over matter mantra no longer worked. I utilized one of my health insurance benefits since I barely use them but pay the premiums anyway. They told me to go to urgent care for my neck & shoulders to make sure I hadn't seriously injured it somehow since it has been inhibiting my ability to move. When the Medcall RN made her recommendations & asked me what I was going to do, I told her that I was trying to avoid a doctor visit & that I really didn't know what I was going to do. I hung up the phone & the pulsating pain became more acute. And so I went. The current pain is stress/anxiety related, the doctor said. He gave me prescriptions that I am to take for the next 2 days to get me to relax (involuntarily). His instructions were to lay low for those 2 days & then go have some fun...go dancing or something & maintain range of motion. He believes things will feel better in a few days. I knew I was doing this to myself & yet, I did nothing to stop it. I am so sorry. I completely disrespected you. If I haven't got my body, my ability to move about, I really don't have much of anything. And so, I will be better. I am going to take these pills but I thought it important that I apologize beforehand for needing it to come to this for me to pay serious attention. I can always replace a car. But one life, one body. Lesson learned. Respectfully, DT P.S. The nurse went to take my blood pressure & she saw the scars & I told her that I was a cutter & she said she could see that & told me I shouldn't & I told her that I was a lot better...that I'd just had a relapse & that was true. It was just a relapse. I'm sorry for that too. 2007-04-12 01:59:52 GMT http://www.minddeposit.com/elistia/viewidea/524